This is it folks! My first blog is almost reaching it's conclusion. Originally, I was going to my final post for this blog with some bible scriptures. But change of plans. Guess who decided to make a visit into my sub-conscious? RoastemToast! Oh joy! I wasn't kidding when I said the road to drastic change was hell.
As I was doing countless hours of research for my last two speeches, I was met with this angry spirit again. This time, he attacked my thoughts and started to make me question why people hated furries/bronies so much. Then he provoked me by showing me what people are saying about Kanye West. On two counts, I started to rage and rant. But, I stopped myself and told "RoastemToast" to leave me alone and let me finish my studies. He just laughed and kept messing with me.
The more he invaded my thoughts, the less I started to care about my studies. That is when I had to run to the Bible and start reading scriptures. The more I did this, the greater my chances were to focus more effectively. But that only stopped him for a good hour and a half. It was so bad that even my Mother asked, "Is everything ok?" When she asked that question, I knew I was dealing with spiritual warfare. I guess the bible scripture of, "The enemy comes to seek kill and destroy" still remains true.
When I was watching a documentary from Saberspark about bronies, I was very intrigued and wanted to take some notes for my speech presentation. But lo and behold, RoastemToast distracts me about something that Saberspark said. I wouldn't call it being triggered, but this very sentence did bring some dark parts of my past back. What did he say? All Saberspark said was, "What 5 year old girl thinks about boys?" The moment he said that sentence, I thought about all the times on how I was bullied by girls at that age.
Weird huh? That is when I almost lost track and started to get frustrated at the inaccuracy of that very comment. Before you know it, RoastemToast and I were arguing with each other. Finally, I got on my knees and prayed again. Once I did that, I received a phone call from my school counselor about classes I need to schedule for next week. After that conversation, I finished watching the first part of the brony documentary from Saberspark. It was a sigh of relief.
Seeing a pattern here? I am focused on trying to do the Lord's work/fulfill my tasks for the day, and then here comes the enemy trying to distract me with nonsense. Again, I am not here to preach to you all about how to stop temptations from the enemy. If you want to know how to do so, just simply read your bible, pray a few times a day and meditate on his word. Is it easy? Hell no! It takes many years of practice to keep your focus on the vision that God has implanted in you.
For instance, Kanye West finally is able to sing for the Lord. People critique and ridicule him over past mistakes that are over 5-6 years old. The ridicule is a distraction. If Kanye West is not careful, he will go back to relying on drugs/alcohol instead of Jesus and his word. Guess what people? IT HAPPENS TO EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US! One moment we got our life planned and then before you know it, something tragic on a certain level happens and it causes us to lose our focus.
This concludes this blog. If you have any questions, just email me. Be blessed and KEEP YOUR FOCUS!
Thursday, October 31, 2019
Day 6- The multiple languages of God and change
October 31, 2019
#RIPtheFiend
I have been talking an awful lot about myself lately. I apologize. You all came here mostly to know why I titled my blog the way I did. Why? Because the answer is simple. Kanye West radical change to God is NOT shocking in anyway. Any real Kanye West fan should know this.
Please note that this blog is not intended to attack anybody's views or opinions. This blog is here to motivate those who come across it, to entertain or to enlighten the lost. Also please understand that I have known God since I was infant and have been baptized twice throughout my life. Did you know that most saved people have to go through the "rebirth" process on many occasions? This is something that a lot of "saved" people do not want you to know. I chuckle every time a "saved" person tries to tell me something, yet they are just as hypocritical.
Entering the realm of Kanye West. Let's get this straight folks. This man already knew God and was saved. If you listen to most of his songs closely, he pretty much talks about God in all of his songs. Not only that, he mentions seeking help, being aware of demons and to be careful who you trust on many occasions. Now this is NOT a research project/dissertation on Kanye West and his road back to King Jesus.
Jesus no! This blog would be way too long and I will leave that to somebody else to work on that. Taking on that responsibility would be a waste of time for the following reasons. 1. It is not God's will for me to do it. 2. I already have two ideas for a dissertation to work on in the future. 3. Creating works cited page and citing everything on a blog is such a drag. Remember this young folks.
Copyright law benefits nobody in the end. The purpose of Copyright and Trademark is to limit and censor imagination. Just look at Youtube. It is filled with tons of parodies that is dedicated to other people's great work. Eventhough it is fanmade and nobody is making money off it, greed takes it course and ruins the fun. This is why so many Youtubers are leaving and moving on to other platforms! But that is a story for another day. Not to mention we live in a world where parody and jokes are taken too seriously! Call it speculation, but this seems to be encouraging the rise of Article 13.
Ok. Back on topic. So why did I want to talk about Kanye West and hypocritical Christians? Because it sickens me to my soul how overly religious people can be at times! Sometimes, when we are overly religious, we forget about the main purpose of why a church exists. It is no wonder why many people are afraid to step foot into any church building. Why? Blame the hypocrites!
To the surprise of nobody that is a true fan of Kanye West, the highly intelligent and well known people of God are laughing/pointing fingers at Kanye West for wanting to fully serve Jesus. What kind of nonsense is this? Isn't the purpose of somebody wanting to change is to welcome it? I guess these "saved" people forgot about what it truly means to love like God.
In Exodus 3:18-20, it states that, "18 The leaders of Israel will listen to you. Then you must take them to the king of Egypt and say, “The Lord God of the Hebrews has appeared to us. Let us walk three days into the desert, where we can offer a sacrifice to him.” 19 But I know that the king of Egypt won’t let you go unless something forces him to. 20 So I will use my mighty power to perform all kinds of miracles and strike down the Egyptians. Then the king will send you away." -Holy Bible So what does that mean to those who are new to the bible? Let me break it down to you like this. God used a man who literally curses like a sailor, and converted him to a man of God. To an overly saved person, that is highly illogical. But see that is the thing. What God does is not supposed to be over analyzed like a research paper for college. For if we truly love God, we simply "Obey him" and that should be the end of that. Sadly, many people of God FAIL to realize that.
You see, I am loving how everyone is showing their true colors towards Kanye West. They are pointing fingers at him, laughing at his change, mocking him, exerting their dominance and kicking him down some more. How is that like God? If that is the case, God should have let me die of the flu last year, because I sinned so many times when I was a child. How dreadful would that have been?
Some of you are probably lost and saying to yourself, "I am not like that." And to you, I say, "Shut up and stop personalizing it." I literally have to tell myself that everyday until I get it. Do you know how annoying it is to have to tell people when I use to make Youtube videos, that I am playing a "character" and that the person talking in the video is not me? It can get quite tiresome. I know that wasn't nice to say, but guess what? Most of you aren't being very "God like" to others around you everyday.
Since people are so quick to pick on Kanye West, allow me to introduce you to a rapper named N.O.R.E. This man before he knew God, would literally make songs about sex, drugs, killing, gangs, rape and tons of other inappropriate topics. His songs are pretty brash and I love how he tells a story through his rapping. That is until I learned that he lived through most of that hell. Now fast forward to today and N.O.R.E has been saved for awhile/known God for quite some time. So I find it very ironic that he "puts down" Kanye West and calls his new gospel album "Trash." Very Christian like right? It is one thing to critique somebody, by offering tips and suggestions and it is another to just downright "wreck" a person during an interview.
If N.O.R.E is reading this, allow me to enlighten you on some facts. In an article titled, "
Are Christians Really Hypocrites? Barna Researchers Examine Actions, Attitudes" Melissa Steffan states that, Barna surveyed 718 self-identified Christians from a variety of denominations to find what extent their actions and attitudes line up with Jesus's. Researchers found only 1 in 7 Christians manages to hold Christ-like beliefs and also act in Christ-like ways. Yet, 1 in 2 Christians tends "to have attitudes and actions that are characterized by self-righteousness."(Steffan, n.d.) So what does that tell you Mr. N.O.R.E and everyone who is "saved?" You all are struggling to be like God due to temptations created by corporations.The drugs, sex and abnormal behaviors of sex? All created by man. Man who wants to do nothing but take and destroy. So what difference is a man, woman or any other gender who is so quick to judge? Think about that.
#RIPtheFiend
I have been talking an awful lot about myself lately. I apologize. You all came here mostly to know why I titled my blog the way I did. Why? Because the answer is simple. Kanye West radical change to God is NOT shocking in anyway. Any real Kanye West fan should know this.
Please note that this blog is not intended to attack anybody's views or opinions. This blog is here to motivate those who come across it, to entertain or to enlighten the lost. Also please understand that I have known God since I was infant and have been baptized twice throughout my life. Did you know that most saved people have to go through the "rebirth" process on many occasions? This is something that a lot of "saved" people do not want you to know. I chuckle every time a "saved" person tries to tell me something, yet they are just as hypocritical.
Entering the realm of Kanye West. Let's get this straight folks. This man already knew God and was saved. If you listen to most of his songs closely, he pretty much talks about God in all of his songs. Not only that, he mentions seeking help, being aware of demons and to be careful who you trust on many occasions. Now this is NOT a research project/dissertation on Kanye West and his road back to King Jesus.
Jesus no! This blog would be way too long and I will leave that to somebody else to work on that. Taking on that responsibility would be a waste of time for the following reasons. 1. It is not God's will for me to do it. 2. I already have two ideas for a dissertation to work on in the future. 3. Creating works cited page and citing everything on a blog is such a drag. Remember this young folks.
Copyright law benefits nobody in the end. The purpose of Copyright and Trademark is to limit and censor imagination. Just look at Youtube. It is filled with tons of parodies that is dedicated to other people's great work. Eventhough it is fanmade and nobody is making money off it, greed takes it course and ruins the fun. This is why so many Youtubers are leaving and moving on to other platforms! But that is a story for another day. Not to mention we live in a world where parody and jokes are taken too seriously! Call it speculation, but this seems to be encouraging the rise of Article 13.
Ok. Back on topic. So why did I want to talk about Kanye West and hypocritical Christians? Because it sickens me to my soul how overly religious people can be at times! Sometimes, when we are overly religious, we forget about the main purpose of why a church exists. It is no wonder why many people are afraid to step foot into any church building. Why? Blame the hypocrites!
To the surprise of nobody that is a true fan of Kanye West, the highly intelligent and well known people of God are laughing/pointing fingers at Kanye West for wanting to fully serve Jesus. What kind of nonsense is this? Isn't the purpose of somebody wanting to change is to welcome it? I guess these "saved" people forgot about what it truly means to love like God.
In Exodus 3:18-20, it states that, "18 The leaders of Israel will listen to you. Then you must take them to the king of Egypt and say, “The Lord God of the Hebrews has appeared to us. Let us walk three days into the desert, where we can offer a sacrifice to him.” 19 But I know that the king of Egypt won’t let you go unless something forces him to. 20 So I will use my mighty power to perform all kinds of miracles and strike down the Egyptians. Then the king will send you away." -Holy Bible So what does that mean to those who are new to the bible? Let me break it down to you like this. God used a man who literally curses like a sailor, and converted him to a man of God. To an overly saved person, that is highly illogical. But see that is the thing. What God does is not supposed to be over analyzed like a research paper for college. For if we truly love God, we simply "Obey him" and that should be the end of that. Sadly, many people of God FAIL to realize that.
You see, I am loving how everyone is showing their true colors towards Kanye West. They are pointing fingers at him, laughing at his change, mocking him, exerting their dominance and kicking him down some more. How is that like God? If that is the case, God should have let me die of the flu last year, because I sinned so many times when I was a child. How dreadful would that have been?
Some of you are probably lost and saying to yourself, "I am not like that." And to you, I say, "Shut up and stop personalizing it." I literally have to tell myself that everyday until I get it. Do you know how annoying it is to have to tell people when I use to make Youtube videos, that I am playing a "character" and that the person talking in the video is not me? It can get quite tiresome. I know that wasn't nice to say, but guess what? Most of you aren't being very "God like" to others around you everyday.
Since people are so quick to pick on Kanye West, allow me to introduce you to a rapper named N.O.R.E. This man before he knew God, would literally make songs about sex, drugs, killing, gangs, rape and tons of other inappropriate topics. His songs are pretty brash and I love how he tells a story through his rapping. That is until I learned that he lived through most of that hell. Now fast forward to today and N.O.R.E has been saved for awhile/known God for quite some time. So I find it very ironic that he "puts down" Kanye West and calls his new gospel album "Trash." Very Christian like right? It is one thing to critique somebody, by offering tips and suggestions and it is another to just downright "wreck" a person during an interview.
If N.O.R.E is reading this, allow me to enlighten you on some facts. In an article titled, "
Are Christians Really Hypocrites? Barna Researchers Examine Actions, Attitudes" Melissa Steffan states that, Barna surveyed 718 self-identified Christians from a variety of denominations to find what extent their actions and attitudes line up with Jesus's. Researchers found only 1 in 7 Christians manages to hold Christ-like beliefs and also act in Christ-like ways. Yet, 1 in 2 Christians tends "to have attitudes and actions that are characterized by self-righteousness."(Steffan, n.d.) So what does that tell you Mr. N.O.R.E and everyone who is "saved?" You all are struggling to be like God due to temptations created by corporations.The drugs, sex and abnormal behaviors of sex? All created by man. Man who wants to do nothing but take and destroy. So what difference is a man, woman or any other gender who is so quick to judge? Think about that.
I could go into more detail about how hypocrisy and how it continues to destroy/divide people of God, but that is not why I am here. I have bigger fish to fry and college assignments to complete. I just find it so sad and hilarious that throughout my life, people have challenged me/thousands of others to prove if we are saved. That is NOT Christ like and saved people need to STOP doing that! You want to know how a real saved person acts? Jump into the next paragraph and I will tell you.
Saved people wouldn't talk about how "old" traditions are gone. Saved people wouldn't go on tirades over big churches. Saved people would understand that the church is in them and to read the bible everyday. Saved people should be overjoyed that ANYBODY wants to know Jesus. And saved people DO NOT JUDGE! EVER! I highly advise you all to read Matthew 7:2 everyday!
Let me keep going. Saved people admit when they are wrong! Saved people don't make fun of others and want anybody to fail. Saved people should be forgiving of others even if they wronged them! Saved people should be more open minded to life and its changes. And saved people should not shame those that are trying to walk the path of redemption. That in itself IS A SIN!
No matter how much the governments have made my life a living hell these past couple of years, I still have to swallow my rage and forgive them. Even in my darkest moments of dealing with people who hurt me, I still have to wish them well. In the mist of seeing my favorite hobbies being destroyed by PEOPLE AND THEIR GREED, I still have to wish them the best of luck and pray for their families. Most saved people FAIL to do that everyday. Most saved people will preach a good word and still cheat on their wives. So who ARE WE TO CAST THE FIRST STONE!?
Let me calm down before I turn this blog into a sermon. Tune in on the next day and I will conclude this blog once and for all. Then we will jump into the real main reason why I wanted to join Blogger. And that reason is talk to you all each day about my "Hellish Social Experiment" and what I learned from it. I will list no names, but be as detailed as I can. See you all in November, 2019!
References
Bible Gateway. (2019). Bible Gateway passage: Exodus 3 - Contemporary English Version. [online] Available at: https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Exodus+3&version=CEV [Accessed 31 Oct. 2019].
Steffan, M. (n.d.). Are Christians Really Hypocrites? Barna Researchers Examine Actions, Attitudes. [online] News & Reporting. Available at: https://www.christianitytoday.com/news/2013/may/are-christians-really-hypocrites-barna-researchers-examine.html [Accessed 31 Oct. 2019].
Bible Gateway. (2019). Bible Gateway passage: Exodus 3 - Contemporary English Version. [online] Available at: https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Exodus+3&version=CEV [Accessed 31 Oct. 2019].
Steffan, M. (n.d.). Are Christians Really Hypocrites? Barna Researchers Examine Actions, Attitudes. [online] News & Reporting. Available at: https://www.christianitytoday.com/news/2013/may/are-christians-really-hypocrites-barna-researchers-examine.html [Accessed 31 Oct. 2019].
Day 5.5 The multiple languages of God and change
Today was a brand new day. The sun was bright and for the first time in a long while, I heard angels in heaven singing. But wait a minute, I am getting ahead of myself now. Let me backtrack a bit, so everyone can be caught up with what happened, before I woke up this morning and started doing research for my 5th speech. Now where was I?
When the evil spirit temporarily faded away at 7:00pm EST, I was left in awe and disgust at what I have created. I started to ball up my fist and act just like him in rage. But instead, I meditated and paid close attention to my visions that God sent me. While listening to Kanye West new album, I started to delete more parts/connections of my digital past. After that painful hour, I laid back on my bed and closed my eyes at 9:00pm EST. Guess who came knocking on my door at 10:00pm EST? RoastemToast.
I was so fed up and conflicted, that it was time for me to start being more proactive in my road to change. That's right! I decided to take a friend of mine's advice and start a blog again. I dedicated the blog to mine and Kanye West's radical changes in our life! Oh man did that infuriate RoastemToast. The evil spirit came back and just smiled at me.
I looked at him dead in his face and told him, "I will deal with you later. God is way bigger than us. You and I both know that." RoastemToast just looked at me and faded away. But before he did, he uttered these words to me:
"You and I are enemies now. I will make you pay for this. When the time comes, you will be back. All it takes is for something tragic to happen in your life. Oh how I will laugh when you rant and rave just like the old days. Then you will see just how unjust this world truly is." You baka bitch."
What was my response? Prayer and crying to God. Sounds cheesy right? Well guess what? It never failed me when I was two years old and it still works. It didn't fail me when I doctors were stating there was no hope for me. And by God, it didn't fail when people attacked me and almost converted me to their evil/manipulative norms. So news flash all atheists! The whole, "God is not real" scholarly articles is "fake news" and only backed up by what a mere mortal has stated!
Once the red smoke faded away, I took my laptop and put it in the game room/my man cave, opened up a blogger account and got started typing away. After about 2-3 hours of typing up some journal entries, I listened to some Jim Sterling videos, had a late night meal and called it a night. But not before telling my dog how much I loved her, apologized to her if I was mean to her and prayed for another beautiful/safe for all of us on Earth.
So with that all being said, let us take a moment and pay some respects to Bray Wyatt. This man went through a painful divorce, made some bad choices in his life involving his spouse, tried to get himself over with the WWE and even had his greatest gimmicks utterly destroyed by the WWE. Not to mention that Bray Wyatt has suffered from many injuries. Some may call it karma, but it seems to me that Bray Wyatt was just plain miserable on the inside. For all we know, his wife could have cheated on him first. Either way, I forgive him and pray for him the best. The Fiend will never be forgotten!
To be continued...
Up Next: Day 6- The multiple languages of God and change
When the evil spirit temporarily faded away at 7:00pm EST, I was left in awe and disgust at what I have created. I started to ball up my fist and act just like him in rage. But instead, I meditated and paid close attention to my visions that God sent me. While listening to Kanye West new album, I started to delete more parts/connections of my digital past. After that painful hour, I laid back on my bed and closed my eyes at 9:00pm EST. Guess who came knocking on my door at 10:00pm EST? RoastemToast.
I was so fed up and conflicted, that it was time for me to start being more proactive in my road to change. That's right! I decided to take a friend of mine's advice and start a blog again. I dedicated the blog to mine and Kanye West's radical changes in our life! Oh man did that infuriate RoastemToast. The evil spirit came back and just smiled at me.
I looked at him dead in his face and told him, "I will deal with you later. God is way bigger than us. You and I both know that." RoastemToast just looked at me and faded away. But before he did, he uttered these words to me:
"You and I are enemies now. I will make you pay for this. When the time comes, you will be back. All it takes is for something tragic to happen in your life. Oh how I will laugh when you rant and rave just like the old days. Then you will see just how unjust this world truly is." You baka bitch."
What was my response? Prayer and crying to God. Sounds cheesy right? Well guess what? It never failed me when I was two years old and it still works. It didn't fail me when I doctors were stating there was no hope for me. And by God, it didn't fail when people attacked me and almost converted me to their evil/manipulative norms. So news flash all atheists! The whole, "God is not real" scholarly articles is "fake news" and only backed up by what a mere mortal has stated!
Once the red smoke faded away, I took my laptop and put it in the game room/my man cave, opened up a blogger account and got started typing away. After about 2-3 hours of typing up some journal entries, I listened to some Jim Sterling videos, had a late night meal and called it a night. But not before telling my dog how much I loved her, apologized to her if I was mean to her and prayed for another beautiful/safe for all of us on Earth.
So with that all being said, let us take a moment and pay some respects to Bray Wyatt. This man went through a painful divorce, made some bad choices in his life involving his spouse, tried to get himself over with the WWE and even had his greatest gimmicks utterly destroyed by the WWE. Not to mention that Bray Wyatt has suffered from many injuries. Some may call it karma, but it seems to me that Bray Wyatt was just plain miserable on the inside. For all we know, his wife could have cheated on him first. Either way, I forgive him and pray for him the best. The Fiend will never be forgotten!
To be continued...
Up Next: Day 6- The multiple languages of God and change
Wednesday, October 30, 2019
Day 5- The multiple languages of God and change
October 30, 2019
Wait a minute now? Everything is different. My dog isn't growling or waking me up in the morning? I was able to sleep in full peace!? I am able to breathe a little bit? And as I look at my phone, Kanye West shocked the whole world with his new album? Is this a dream within another dream?
After I prayed and perform my usual daily tasks involving my dog, email and college, I noticed that I was no longer apart of my discord group, my Youtube channel was deleted, my Twitter was gone, my Bitschute channel vanished and all my files for personal research are gone as well. As I was in disbelief, I remembered that I was the one who did this. Yup. That episode of manic struck me again. But this time, I was happy that my manic episode appeared yesterday.
However, I was able to remember everything clearly. Usually when I am in a manic, I don't have a clear memory of what I did or why I did it. But this time, I was able to recall almost everything that happened. The moment I tried to figure out why it happened, it was time for me to head to class. As I was headed to class, the atmosphere was different than before.
This time, everyone was barely talking and the students were very quiet. The professor lightened up the classroom with her positive attitude and asked "How are you all doing?" I spoke up and said, "Better." Now this lecture was no ordinary class session. This time, it felt like the professor was preaching to us. It was so impactful that I almost cried in the classroom.
As my professor was talking, I started to see future visions of my life and seeing how those I haven't heard from in awhile are doing. It was extremely odd. Before you know it, class was over, I received my critiques for my claim statement for my speech 4 and then I headed back to the car.
After the lecture, I talked to my Mother in the car and texted my Father about the visions I was having and how I was extremely motivated by Kanye West during my youth as a child. My Mother and I talked during the whole ride. As we talked, the bible verses were being whispered in my head again and I started to see imagery of all my enemies asking for my help. I saw myself speaking on a "TED Talks" segment about something. I couldn't recall what it was about, but It was extremely powerful.
The day felt like a VCR tape on fast forward. From dealing with a nasty nice customer service representative at PNC Bank, from turning in some paperwork to a YMCA representative and to getting groceries with my Mother, my head started to hurt and I felt like I was having an anxiety attack. This was starting to be too much for me! This was all happening while listening to Gospel music.
When I finally was able to come home, the voices whispering bible verses was getting louder as I was trying to walk to my room, answer some emails and take care of some college course related work. I was in such a trance, that I forgot all about my phone meeting with my school counselor. How embarrassing was it, to have to reschedule my appointment and apologize for losing track of time/still being a little sick? Before I could go take a nap, I literally saw a different version of me in my head that just looked at me in rage.
Guess who that was? RoastemToast. He was yelling at me in my head talking about how I was a traitor, how I became soft, how he dared me to delete some artwork that I kept for personal reasons and etc. I got up, looked at him dead in his eye and I challenged him. Afterwards, I went through my external hard drive and deleted most of my video games, music and personal pictures. My persona than looked at me and was shocked with tears in his eyes. He yelled at me even louder and said "WHY DID YOU DO THAT?" I looked at him back and said, "The Lord told me to walk away from this industry in 2008. I didn't listen. I suffered and then I created a social experiment for myself that almost made me lose part of me. Why? Because my expectations were just too damn high and that was my fault."
I gave RoastemToast a hug and told him I was sorry. Then I told him, "You need to leave. Your season is up. If I am going to make it in this world, than you and the rest of my personas got to go." The mental clone of me looked at me with rage. Then he smirked, took a puff of his cigar and than looked at me. He stated these words to me:
"You imperfect bastard. Your whole life was a joke. Without me, you wouldn't be able to stand up for yourself or tell those who do you wrong off. You need me. You need your personas. Without us, you are just an alien who is trying to learn everything so he can feel whole again. You ain't no hero. You an anti-hero like me. That is why you will never get no pussy or have a lover in your life. Hell, do you even have a best friend? LOL! Do you even have a girlfriend that you can lay next to? I do! Tons of them! That is the difference between you and me bro."
I thought about what he had said. But then I thought about those who let their "persona" get the best of them. Some made it out alive while others...not so much. The words stung my soul for a bit. But then, I looked at him and stated this, "Success is based off of your knowledge and your understanding of yourself. The more you improve, the better you will be. And the more you do extra, the more rewards you reap. I don't need to be somebody that I created for a season. Because being "Victor" is just fine with me."
The angry spirit just laughed and faded away in a puff of smoke/mist. Once that was taken care of, I went to bed for the day. Being sick is such a hassle, but dealing with inner demons like that is just as bad, if not worse. So where do I go from here? I have a 4th speech presentation that I still need to rehearse and I need to rest in order to fully focus on my next set of tasks. So, now what?
To be continued...
Day 5.5- The multiple languages of God and change
Wait a minute now? Everything is different. My dog isn't growling or waking me up in the morning? I was able to sleep in full peace!? I am able to breathe a little bit? And as I look at my phone, Kanye West shocked the whole world with his new album? Is this a dream within another dream?
After I prayed and perform my usual daily tasks involving my dog, email and college, I noticed that I was no longer apart of my discord group, my Youtube channel was deleted, my Twitter was gone, my Bitschute channel vanished and all my files for personal research are gone as well. As I was in disbelief, I remembered that I was the one who did this. Yup. That episode of manic struck me again. But this time, I was happy that my manic episode appeared yesterday.
However, I was able to remember everything clearly. Usually when I am in a manic, I don't have a clear memory of what I did or why I did it. But this time, I was able to recall almost everything that happened. The moment I tried to figure out why it happened, it was time for me to head to class. As I was headed to class, the atmosphere was different than before.
This time, everyone was barely talking and the students were very quiet. The professor lightened up the classroom with her positive attitude and asked "How are you all doing?" I spoke up and said, "Better." Now this lecture was no ordinary class session. This time, it felt like the professor was preaching to us. It was so impactful that I almost cried in the classroom.
As my professor was talking, I started to see future visions of my life and seeing how those I haven't heard from in awhile are doing. It was extremely odd. Before you know it, class was over, I received my critiques for my claim statement for my speech 4 and then I headed back to the car.
After the lecture, I talked to my Mother in the car and texted my Father about the visions I was having and how I was extremely motivated by Kanye West during my youth as a child. My Mother and I talked during the whole ride. As we talked, the bible verses were being whispered in my head again and I started to see imagery of all my enemies asking for my help. I saw myself speaking on a "TED Talks" segment about something. I couldn't recall what it was about, but It was extremely powerful.
The day felt like a VCR tape on fast forward. From dealing with a nasty nice customer service representative at PNC Bank, from turning in some paperwork to a YMCA representative and to getting groceries with my Mother, my head started to hurt and I felt like I was having an anxiety attack. This was starting to be too much for me! This was all happening while listening to Gospel music.
When I finally was able to come home, the voices whispering bible verses was getting louder as I was trying to walk to my room, answer some emails and take care of some college course related work. I was in such a trance, that I forgot all about my phone meeting with my school counselor. How embarrassing was it, to have to reschedule my appointment and apologize for losing track of time/still being a little sick? Before I could go take a nap, I literally saw a different version of me in my head that just looked at me in rage.
Guess who that was? RoastemToast. He was yelling at me in my head talking about how I was a traitor, how I became soft, how he dared me to delete some artwork that I kept for personal reasons and etc. I got up, looked at him dead in his eye and I challenged him. Afterwards, I went through my external hard drive and deleted most of my video games, music and personal pictures. My persona than looked at me and was shocked with tears in his eyes. He yelled at me even louder and said "WHY DID YOU DO THAT?" I looked at him back and said, "The Lord told me to walk away from this industry in 2008. I didn't listen. I suffered and then I created a social experiment for myself that almost made me lose part of me. Why? Because my expectations were just too damn high and that was my fault."
I gave RoastemToast a hug and told him I was sorry. Then I told him, "You need to leave. Your season is up. If I am going to make it in this world, than you and the rest of my personas got to go." The mental clone of me looked at me with rage. Then he smirked, took a puff of his cigar and than looked at me. He stated these words to me:
"You imperfect bastard. Your whole life was a joke. Without me, you wouldn't be able to stand up for yourself or tell those who do you wrong off. You need me. You need your personas. Without us, you are just an alien who is trying to learn everything so he can feel whole again. You ain't no hero. You an anti-hero like me. That is why you will never get no pussy or have a lover in your life. Hell, do you even have a best friend? LOL! Do you even have a girlfriend that you can lay next to? I do! Tons of them! That is the difference between you and me bro."
I thought about what he had said. But then I thought about those who let their "persona" get the best of them. Some made it out alive while others...not so much. The words stung my soul for a bit. But then, I looked at him and stated this, "Success is based off of your knowledge and your understanding of yourself. The more you improve, the better you will be. And the more you do extra, the more rewards you reap. I don't need to be somebody that I created for a season. Because being "Victor" is just fine with me."
The angry spirit just laughed and faded away in a puff of smoke/mist. Once that was taken care of, I went to bed for the day. Being sick is such a hassle, but dealing with inner demons like that is just as bad, if not worse. So where do I go from here? I have a 4th speech presentation that I still need to rehearse and I need to rest in order to fully focus on my next set of tasks. So, now what?
To be continued...
Day 5.5- The multiple languages of God and change
Day 4- The multiple languages of God and change
October 29, 2019
Not again. This time, I stayed up late and did more personal research. I kept my mouth shut so I wouldn't wake up my dog. I keep hearing her growl as the man next door is cursing the animals out. I put my headphones on to block out the noise but to no avail. I check Blackboard to see if there are any updates. I do the same thing with my email. Nothing.
I thought about drawing, but then I changed my mind. Why? Because I wanted to be drawn in somebody else's art style. So I look at my bank account, check to make sure the bills/etc. are taken care of and start to write down some ideas of what I need Crystal Sushi to draw for me. Why just her? Because I can afford her and not everyone else. Plus I look up to her and her hubby for motivation when I am down at times.
Since I couldn't sleep, I decided to stay up until 8am EST the next morning and watch "Tuca and Bertie."It is an extremely weird show about the daily struggles of what single women go through. Well that is how I interpret the show. I definitely recommend checking it out. Now as far as a season 2 of that show goes, I believe it served its purpose. However, I am more than welcome to dive in that zany world for one more season.
Before I went back to sleep and took my medicine to fight off my sinus infection, I took care of my dog, told her how much I loved her and I went to sleep. 5 hours have past and I woke up in a panic attack. I checked on my dog, consumed tons of food to make up for missing two meals and I started to think about how good God has been to me. Pretty boring right? Now is where this particular journal entry gets interesting. I check one of my social media accounts and I was in complete shock!
It was Norabloom who finally messaged me back. She was so happy to hear back from me. My expression of meh turned into a huge increase of joy. We started roleplaying again and started talking about what has been going on with our lives. Afterwards, I checked my discord and my feed was flooded with more terrible news with the gaming industry. My moment of happiness, went back to a realm of meh. I was finally starting to notice an odd pattern in my life. Instead of letting my "RoastemToast" persona get the best of me, I just tuned out and went back to talking to Norabloom.
After our fun conversation/roleplay session, I decided to look up some Youtube videos. When I typed in the letter "K" my all time rappers name popped up. I was extremely excited and decided to check out his new album. As I clicked on the first song, I was in complete awe. I listened to the whole album more than once. I shared the album with friends and family too!
They were shocked too! Not me. After I finished listening to his album multiple times, a friend of mine messaged me on Discord and stated the following:
The moment I saw that private message, I realized something. The bible verses in my head. Kanye West going back to King Jesus. The weird visions? What could this all mean? Part 1 of my social experiment is finished.
What is the social experiment? When and how it was created? Hold on now. Wait till the next few journal entries and I will tell you all. All I know now is that, I need to get my focus back and make some tough choices. And the first tough decision? Should I let my personas go and finally be me? Or should I continue to let my personas take over how I communicate with those that I am still connecting with?
But what does this have to do with Kanye West? Just keep reading my entries and you will find out sooner or later.
To be continued....
Up Next: Day 5- The multiple languages of God and change
Not again. This time, I stayed up late and did more personal research. I kept my mouth shut so I wouldn't wake up my dog. I keep hearing her growl as the man next door is cursing the animals out. I put my headphones on to block out the noise but to no avail. I check Blackboard to see if there are any updates. I do the same thing with my email. Nothing.
I thought about drawing, but then I changed my mind. Why? Because I wanted to be drawn in somebody else's art style. So I look at my bank account, check to make sure the bills/etc. are taken care of and start to write down some ideas of what I need Crystal Sushi to draw for me. Why just her? Because I can afford her and not everyone else. Plus I look up to her and her hubby for motivation when I am down at times.
Since I couldn't sleep, I decided to stay up until 8am EST the next morning and watch "Tuca and Bertie."It is an extremely weird show about the daily struggles of what single women go through. Well that is how I interpret the show. I definitely recommend checking it out. Now as far as a season 2 of that show goes, I believe it served its purpose. However, I am more than welcome to dive in that zany world for one more season.
Before I went back to sleep and took my medicine to fight off my sinus infection, I took care of my dog, told her how much I loved her and I went to sleep. 5 hours have past and I woke up in a panic attack. I checked on my dog, consumed tons of food to make up for missing two meals and I started to think about how good God has been to me. Pretty boring right? Now is where this particular journal entry gets interesting. I check one of my social media accounts and I was in complete shock!
It was Norabloom who finally messaged me back. She was so happy to hear back from me. My expression of meh turned into a huge increase of joy. We started roleplaying again and started talking about what has been going on with our lives. Afterwards, I checked my discord and my feed was flooded with more terrible news with the gaming industry. My moment of happiness, went back to a realm of meh. I was finally starting to notice an odd pattern in my life. Instead of letting my "RoastemToast" persona get the best of me, I just tuned out and went back to talking to Norabloom.
After our fun conversation/roleplay session, I decided to look up some Youtube videos. When I typed in the letter "K" my all time rappers name popped up. I was extremely excited and decided to check out his new album. As I clicked on the first song, I was in complete awe. I listened to the whole album more than once. I shared the album with friends and family too!
They were shocked too! Not me. After I finished listening to his album multiple times, a friend of mine messaged me on Discord and stated the following:
"hey man want to ask you a favor i don't have a problem with you @everyone But Some People In The Server Do So Can You Chill On The @ Please so it can make everyone happy and not start problems overall happy the server is growing."
#FUAWFAMILY
The moment I saw that private message, I realized something. The bible verses in my head. Kanye West going back to King Jesus. The weird visions? What could this all mean? Part 1 of my social experiment is finished.
What is the social experiment? When and how it was created? Hold on now. Wait till the next few journal entries and I will tell you all. All I know now is that, I need to get my focus back and make some tough choices. And the first tough decision? Should I let my personas go and finally be me? Or should I continue to let my personas take over how I communicate with those that I am still connecting with?
But what does this have to do with Kanye West? Just keep reading my entries and you will find out sooner or later.
To be continued....
Up Next: Day 5- The multiple languages of God and change
Day 3.5- Who the HELL is YahYoYay?
Want to know the real answer? Just email me. I will tell you everything! :) But before you do, look at his wonderful artwork/journal pieces:
https://www.deviantart.com/popular-all-time/?section=&global=1&q=yahyoyay+&offset=360
https://www.deviantart.com/popular-all-time/?section=&global=1&q=yahyoyay+&offset=360
Day 3- The multiple languages of God and change
October 28, 2019
Another day. Another sore throat. My dog was laying on the bottom part of my bed as she was snoring really loud. Said my prayer, woke up and took my medicine. My only concern was getting through my college tasks for the day and going back to bed. Sadly, my mind will not let me rest. Random songs and poem ideas were flooding my head. Before I could write them down, it was time for me to head to my class.
After an excellent lecture from my public speaking professor, I looked over my notes and thought about everything she had said. That woman has a way with words unlike most professors. She is able to speak her main points about today's lecture, while balancing out her jargon and personal way of speaking. It is incredible! As I head to the car, I rest my head back as my Mother talks my head off and drives me home.
While I was listening to her conversation, there goes those bible verses again. No matter what I was thinking about, the verses kept getting louder and louder in my head. Usually, I understand what the Lord is telling me everyday, but this time it was different. Finally, I was able to get home and lay in my bed. So I was able to finally get some sleep right? Nope! I checked my email/discord and decided to state what was on my mind again.
Why? Why does this keep happening? The random song lyrics, bible verses and poem ideas was just scrambling all over my brain. What does this mean? These visions. What do they mean?
Now don't get me wrong, I always have weird visions in my head. And this is coming from somebody who has never done drugs or consumed alcohol. Sometimes the visions overtake my way of thinking and cause me to act in ways that are considered abnormal. What are those abnormal actions? You guess.
So here I am in my bed, listening to music, checking my college courses for updates on assignments and checking around the house for chores to do. My phone buzzes and I receive tons of informational links from my Father. However, I was too mentally drained to care at the moment. After I performed my daily tasks, I looked up some videos, checked my discord and talked to Crystal Sushi. She discussed how her dog died after fighting a snake. Without thinking, I tagged everyone and started paying my respects.
Yup. Why did I do that? Would they even care? I mean this is gonna be like the 4th time that somebody tells me to stop. Gotta love being born with memory problems. I wonder why I care so much? Sometimes, I even wonder why God is bugging me so much?
Ugh! I am just so frustrated. I do not understand this social media garbage! Why does it exist? Why can't these companies treat consumers right? What the hell is wrong with our president? Am I losing it again?
These were the thoughts that clouded my mind while the bible verses were being rehearsed in my head. Not to mention that I was thinking about how to accurately present my speech 4. While all these thoughts were circling my mind, another day is gone. I kiss my dog good night, pray and I pass out in my bed. I can only imagine what will happen the next day.
To be continued....
Up Next: Day 4- The multiple languages of God and change
Another day. Another sore throat. My dog was laying on the bottom part of my bed as she was snoring really loud. Said my prayer, woke up and took my medicine. My only concern was getting through my college tasks for the day and going back to bed. Sadly, my mind will not let me rest. Random songs and poem ideas were flooding my head. Before I could write them down, it was time for me to head to my class.
After an excellent lecture from my public speaking professor, I looked over my notes and thought about everything she had said. That woman has a way with words unlike most professors. She is able to speak her main points about today's lecture, while balancing out her jargon and personal way of speaking. It is incredible! As I head to the car, I rest my head back as my Mother talks my head off and drives me home.
While I was listening to her conversation, there goes those bible verses again. No matter what I was thinking about, the verses kept getting louder and louder in my head. Usually, I understand what the Lord is telling me everyday, but this time it was different. Finally, I was able to get home and lay in my bed. So I was able to finally get some sleep right? Nope! I checked my email/discord and decided to state what was on my mind again.
Why? Why does this keep happening? The random song lyrics, bible verses and poem ideas was just scrambling all over my brain. What does this mean? These visions. What do they mean?
Now don't get me wrong, I always have weird visions in my head. And this is coming from somebody who has never done drugs or consumed alcohol. Sometimes the visions overtake my way of thinking and cause me to act in ways that are considered abnormal. What are those abnormal actions? You guess.
So here I am in my bed, listening to music, checking my college courses for updates on assignments and checking around the house for chores to do. My phone buzzes and I receive tons of informational links from my Father. However, I was too mentally drained to care at the moment. After I performed my daily tasks, I looked up some videos, checked my discord and talked to Crystal Sushi. She discussed how her dog died after fighting a snake. Without thinking, I tagged everyone and started paying my respects.
Yup. Why did I do that? Would they even care? I mean this is gonna be like the 4th time that somebody tells me to stop. Gotta love being born with memory problems. I wonder why I care so much? Sometimes, I even wonder why God is bugging me so much?
Ugh! I am just so frustrated. I do not understand this social media garbage! Why does it exist? Why can't these companies treat consumers right? What the hell is wrong with our president? Am I losing it again?
These were the thoughts that clouded my mind while the bible verses were being rehearsed in my head. Not to mention that I was thinking about how to accurately present my speech 4. While all these thoughts were circling my mind, another day is gone. I kiss my dog good night, pray and I pass out in my bed. I can only imagine what will happen the next day.
To be continued....
Up Next: Day 4- The multiple languages of God and change
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