October 30, 2019
Wait a minute now? Everything is different. My dog isn't growling or waking me up in the morning? I was able to sleep in full peace!? I am able to breathe a little bit? And as I look at my phone, Kanye West shocked the whole world with his new album? Is this a dream within another dream?
After I prayed and perform my usual daily tasks involving my dog, email and college, I noticed that I was no longer apart of my discord group, my Youtube channel was deleted, my Twitter was gone, my Bitschute channel vanished and all my files for personal research are gone as well. As I was in disbelief, I remembered that I was the one who did this. Yup. That episode of manic struck me again. But this time, I was happy that my manic episode appeared yesterday.
However, I was able to remember everything clearly. Usually when I am in a manic, I don't have a clear memory of what I did or why I did it. But this time, I was able to recall almost everything that happened. The moment I tried to figure out why it happened, it was time for me to head to class. As I was headed to class, the atmosphere was different than before.
This time, everyone was barely talking and the students were very quiet. The professor lightened up the classroom with her positive attitude and asked "How are you all doing?" I spoke up and said, "Better." Now this lecture was no ordinary class session. This time, it felt like the professor was preaching to us. It was so impactful that I almost cried in the classroom.
As my professor was talking, I started to see future visions of my life and seeing how those I haven't heard from in awhile are doing. It was extremely odd. Before you know it, class was over, I received my critiques for my claim statement for my speech 4 and then I headed back to the car.
After the lecture, I talked to my Mother in the car and texted my Father about the visions I was having and how I was extremely motivated by Kanye West during my youth as a child. My Mother and I talked during the whole ride. As we talked, the bible verses were being whispered in my head again and I started to see imagery of all my enemies asking for my help. I saw myself speaking on a "TED Talks" segment about something. I couldn't recall what it was about, but It was extremely powerful.
The day felt like a VCR tape on fast forward. From dealing with a nasty nice customer service representative at PNC Bank, from turning in some paperwork to a YMCA representative and to getting groceries with my Mother, my head started to hurt and I felt like I was having an anxiety attack. This was starting to be too much for me! This was all happening while listening to Gospel music.
When I finally was able to come home, the voices whispering bible verses was getting louder as I was trying to walk to my room, answer some emails and take care of some college course related work. I was in such a trance, that I forgot all about my phone meeting with my school counselor. How embarrassing was it, to have to reschedule my appointment and apologize for losing track of time/still being a little sick? Before I could go take a nap, I literally saw a different version of me in my head that just looked at me in rage.
Guess who that was? RoastemToast. He was yelling at me in my head talking about how I was a traitor, how I became soft, how he dared me to delete some artwork that I kept for personal reasons and etc. I got up, looked at him dead in his eye and I challenged him. Afterwards, I went through my external hard drive and deleted most of my video games, music and personal pictures. My persona than looked at me and was shocked with tears in his eyes. He yelled at me even louder and said "WHY DID YOU DO THAT?" I looked at him back and said, "The Lord told me to walk away from this industry in 2008. I didn't listen. I suffered and then I created a social experiment for myself that almost made me lose part of me. Why? Because my expectations were just too damn high and that was my fault."
I gave RoastemToast a hug and told him I was sorry. Then I told him, "You need to leave. Your season is up. If I am going to make it in this world, than you and the rest of my personas got to go." The mental clone of me looked at me with rage. Then he smirked, took a puff of his cigar and than looked at me. He stated these words to me:
"You imperfect bastard. Your whole life was a joke. Without me, you wouldn't be able to stand up for yourself or tell those who do you wrong off. You need me. You need your personas. Without us, you are just an alien who is trying to learn everything so he can feel whole again. You ain't no hero. You an anti-hero like me. That is why you will never get no pussy or have a lover in your life. Hell, do you even have a best friend? LOL! Do you even have a girlfriend that you can lay next to? I do! Tons of them! That is the difference between you and me bro."
I thought about what he had said. But then I thought about those who let their "persona" get the best of them. Some made it out alive while others...not so much. The words stung my soul for a bit. But then, I looked at him and stated this, "Success is based off of your knowledge and your understanding of yourself. The more you improve, the better you will be. And the more you do extra, the more rewards you reap. I don't need to be somebody that I created for a season. Because being "Victor" is just fine with me."
The angry spirit just laughed and faded away in a puff of smoke/mist. Once that was taken care of, I went to bed for the day. Being sick is such a hassle, but dealing with inner demons like that is just as bad, if not worse. So where do I go from here? I have a 4th speech presentation that I still need to rehearse and I need to rest in order to fully focus on my next set of tasks. So, now what?
To be continued...
Day 5.5- The multiple languages of God and change
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